The rules of asking for help
I meet both kinds of people. I have probably belonged to
both classes of people at different points of my life, and maybe you did, too.
The first type will never ask for
help - they think it is a sign of weakness, equivalent of stooping before
someone for profit. Some of them are just afraid of rejection; others find a
sense of dignity in silent suffering.
There was this junior of mine in
college. She was a great friend (until it lasted) - we'll hang out after dinner
and talk about our lives and dreams. She would sometimes talk about things that
she is working on, and my incessant questioning will reveal some points where
she could do with some help. If I ever suggested that she should seek help from
someone who has already done what she is trying to do - she'd reject it
outright. Why would that guy help me? He worked hard for his success - what
right do I have to bypass the tough ride? Isn't that a shortcut? Why will I go
with bowed head and ask for something he can easily refuse?
There was an instance where she
got into trouble with a student committee - I volunteered to offer help, and
she refused. Taking help was an immoral conduct as far as she was concerned.
There is the other extreme too -
people who thrive on favours and think it is their birthright that everyone
will help them through everything. If they are refused the help they sought,
often asked for in an improper manner - they will be shocked and feel that they
have been denied something that was owed to them.
Apart from these two types of
help-rejecting and help-seeking extremists, there are the people who know when,
what and how of seeking help. I have come to believe that it is an essential
life skill.
Morality of asking for help
Is asking for help a shortcut? It
is in a way. No one can help taking that shortcut. Everyone would start in
stone age if they had to start everything from scratch. Some help is
institutionalized, you get them without asking. help when you are unwell, help
when you are emotionally down, help when you lost your wallet on the way or
people standing up for your rights and dignity in ways you don't not even come
to know. Helping and seeking help is a way that allows us to prevent
reinventing the wheel. It also allows a person who is capable of doing
something very easily to do it easily, so that the time you would have wasted
at it fiddling around is saved and you have the theoretical possibility of
using it in a better way. Help keeps the world going - it’s the grease that
keeps the wheels moving when friction could stop it. If no one would ask or
give help, life would suck.
Little known things about help
Ø It
is very important to know a few things about help:
Ø Everyone
can help - from the most successful person to someone who has been a complete
failure so far.
Ø Most
people would like to help, but the number of willing people is usually higher
amongst the successful people.
Ø No
matter how self-made a man or woman is, it is common that he or she has been
helped along the way on critical junctures at some point. They remember it.
They want to contribute and make a difference to others.
Ø Almost
all human beings have a desire to touch other people's lives in a positive way.
Ø Everyone
wants to help if they can do so easily. The potter may help you to mend your
broken dish, but if you want him to come and deliver it to your house after
repairing, you are asking him to do the job of a courier. A potter is not a
courier.
Ø People
who can help you the most are the very successful ones. The powerful, the
famous, the rich, the wizards. They like to help, but they are busy, and in all
probability always approached for help. You need to respect their time,
privacy, feelings and state of mind. You need to be crystal clear about what
you want and how they can help you, and you must not waste their time at any
point.
Ø The
fact that someone is rich, powerful, famous or beautiful is not a reason to not
approach them for help.
Ø People
who refuse a help that they have no reason to refuse are called assholes.
People know that, and they do not think they are bad guys. Don't give them
reasons to not help, and they will feel compelled to help.
Do you want God to help you? Give mortals a chance.
No one can help you, save God himself perhaps,
if:
a. you
don't know yourself what help you are looking for. Be precise and upfront about
what will help you and what could 'they' about that.
b. You
ask for help in a manner that cost of helping is too high for them. If you are
asking someone for help - make it easy for them to provide the help.
c. You
are trying to trick them into helping you. People help you out of generosity
and positive state of mind. Rig it and you lose.
The three golden rules of seeking help
Just to recap:
1. If you know what help you
need, and who can give it, then reach out and seek it.
2. Make it easy for the person to
help you, as much as you can.
3. Don't be stupid, or
disrespectful (of a person and his time), or too needy. Reasonableness is the key.
brilliantly written !!
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