How to negotiate with parents: do not say dad-let-me-live-my-life too easily

Although it is a bad idea to fight with your parents, do not give up on your dreams

This is more like a post script to a previous post. Many many young people are unhappy that their parents would not do what they would like to do. I tried to explain why the parents maybe justified at times, and how you can overcome parental objections to your plans.Then I had written:

If you know that what your parents are saying is not justified but merely emotional or preferential, and you are feeling emotional about it too, then think well. What is important to you? Keeping your parents happy right now, or a life that you are going to live? My answer will always be the later, but I know plenty of people to whom keeping their parents happy at the moment is more important. Know that you are making a choice here.

If you prefer your freedom to chose your life over your parents momentary irrational preferences, then be strong about it, or you shall come to regret it very soon. Except for this situation, it can be a win-win for you and your parents. You can receive their confidence and support (if they are convinced, it is highly likely that this will be a great source of support, maybe the most crtitical too) and they will be proud of you for what you are doing.

Well, a reader, Candy, shared some of her experiences on the face of this suggestion. Here is her comment.

[.....] “dad dis is my life I have to live it and I should get to decide how i live to it''.
this is what the statment i made infront of my mom n she didn't talked to me for 4 days.by saying if this is your life why not u afford to live it on your own...:)[[And u din not writen how to deal wid such question(s) of parents]]

Still many times i feel like repeating this statment infront of my dad when he stops me to wear what want to, [....] and ofcourse the big one choosing my own career..
but still i did not gather courage to say this to him that dad let me live my own life stop torturing on the name of love.

[...] i know the day i shall say this to him he will definatly kick me out from the house otherwise will stop talking to me. because i have just choosen my career(law) on my own choice... he has stoped suporting me...:)

This comment throws up a few problems, which I have dealt with before quite successfully. I feel obliged to share them with you.

Have you yet appealed to the good parenting ambitions of your parents?

Firstly, most parents think that they are the best parents. At least most of them strive to be. There are those who do not care, and in those cases the children knows. Even they stop caring about what the parents are saying. Candy's parents care about her, they think they are doing what is in her best interest. Unfortunately, rarely other people can tell what is best for us, and if we do not get to live our lives in our way, its lost opportunity. If you point out genuine merits to your parents, and they understand that you think they are being overbearing, 50% parents will back off and let you try your hand at what you want, because being a over controlling and overbearing parent is unacceptable in the modern world. Your parents probably know that. Appeal to them from that angle. They dont want you to think that they are bad parents.

Have you done the rest before you take the drastic stand of “leave me alone!”

Before saying “It is my life, let me live it”, you must try the first steps first. Are you the on the right side yourself? Have you tried to understand what your parents are saying? If you are sure you are right, have you tried to explain it to them? Have you tried to negotiate your way? Have tried to take them along and understand you? If not, it is not the right time to say “leave me alone, its my life”. It is only when they are very unreasonable and totally intransient, or they dont care about your well-being, which is of course a possibility, you should think of this drastic step.

Lets say nothing works and you have to take a stand

Well, after everything parents will still not let you do certain things. Like my father thinks that I must not get a shave from a saloon. And I must not shave on Saturdays. He also thought I should not study law. I explained. He heard me, he thought, then he again said no. I was persistent. Then he got angry and said “Do whatever you want.” Now if I gave up, by now I would be working in Infosys as a developer for 25 grand a month. I didnt give up, so sometimes I hire several people for more than 25 grand a month salary (I dont like to hire permanently – I get better productivity from independent contractors). He wanted me to study in IIT, now I can have IIT graduates interning in my company. Of course, my parents are happy.

Point is, if you know what you are doing, you will have to take a stand. And you know your parents are not going to like it, and they will react. Your job is to soften the reaction. Don't shock them one fine morning by saying “Sorry dad, no IIT, I want to do photography”. Thats like an IDIOT (pun intended for those who watched three idiots). You have got to make it gradual. Show that you are committed to it no matter what they say over a long period of time. Tell them step by step what you plan to do.

They may understand, they may still react, they may not talk for a few days. They may threaten to throw you out of the house. I used to get very emotional and fight in those moments. Now I would not any more. They want to make your decision difficult. You smile. Or you also stop talking to them for a while. They will come later to you and explain their position. Then take the opportunity to negotiate again. Explain again. There is no need to fight.

Instant necessities

There will be somethings that you can not do over time. These need quick decisions. What do you do then?

Try all the previous steps, listen to them genuinely, to see if they have a valid point. If its just a emotional or cultural preference, yours should prevail. So do what you want to do. First time they will shout, hit, stop talking and all that. Don't be agitated at all. Do not cry. Act like it does not affect you. If they ask you to leave the house, go to your aunts/friends place. Make your aunt/friends parent call your dad/mom whoever is nicer to you. They will take you back. Social pressure at work you see – if they are still angry and doesnt want you abck yet, they can not handle others calling up to assuage them.

Get out of my house/ go live on your own:

Not a problem, do as above. And sometimes just explain to them what it means. It is not a contract that you do what they want and they provide you food and clothing. There will be a time when you'd be old enough to make your own money, very soon, and you would still love them. Do not make all this conditional. Just tell them this calmly, with a smile and they will understand. If they were too harsh, they will feel ashamed.

Be responsible, be smart. And please be sensitive to your parents. And if you have anything to add that can help other people, please leave a comment below.

If you like the post, share it on facebook. Maybe it will make those who are silently suffering and not finding a way think about this issue in a different light.