Your parents know what is good for you. But you should know better.
My opinion on how much one should listen to one's parents could verge on biased, because for most of life I have done very different things than what my parents wanted me to do, and I thank my stars for that. So do my parents now, for I live a better life than they envisioned for me. For me it has never been much of a difficulty to decide whether I should listen to my parents – I would listen to them, and listen well. But I followed my dreams. When my parents told me to become an engineer, and my dreams were bigger – my mind was clear as to what I should do. I fought with my parents where necessary – and I was so confident about what I wanted to do, they could not say no at the end.
I think things should be that simple in 90% of cases if you really know what you want, and you show your commitment to it. Problem starts when you do not know what you want but just know enough to not do what your parents are planning for you. Of course your parents have plans for you, probably even before you were born, those plans were semi-finalised. Does that mean you must follow them?
Another sort of bloodbath happens when you are very sure of what you want to do, but you have not thought it through, and your plan is faulty enough for your parents to detect flaws in it. Thats just cruel to your parents. If you have grand plans, well enough, but have the decency of fine-tuning it before you present them to your parents.
Most parents are very reasonable, and they are usually more than happy to see their children ambitious, following their true callings and achieving their dreams. But that is not the case all the time. I remember my father being hung up over how he named me after a great mathematician and wanted to 'make' me a mathematician. Well, sorry dad, this is my life, I have to live it and I should get to decide how to live it. If it is a question of preference and personal choice, mine should prevail. If it is a question of viability, rationality etc., I am listening.
If you know that what your parents are saying is not justified but merely emotional or preferential, and you are feeling emotional about it too, then think well. What is important to you? Keeping your parents happy right now, or a life that you are going to live? My answer will always be the later, but I know plenty of people to whom keeping their parents happy at the moment is more important. Know that you are making a choice here.
If you prefer your freedom to chose your life over your parents momentary irrational preferences, then be strong about it, or you shall come to regret it very soon. Except for this situation, it can be a win-win for you and your parents. You can receive their confidence and support (if they are convinced, it is highly likely that this will be a great source of support, maybe the most crtitical too) and they will be proud of you for what you are doing.
So the agenda is clear: next time you want to do something that your parents do not approve of, ask this series of questions until you get a positive answer:
- Is it possible that you have not been able to explain what you want to do?
- Is it possible that your plan has obvious flaws or that your commitment level inspires no confidence in an experienced person?
- Is it only a question of your preferences versus your parents preferences?http://1sttaste.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-negotiate-with-parents-do-not.html
Do not come to a conclusion too fast, do not skip questions. You must go through the earlier question(s) and get negative answer(s) before you answer a later question. And when you find a positive answer before the third question, it is the time for introspection and self-improvement.
You can read more on this topic on a newer post over here: on how to take a stand without fighting with your parents.
a very lovely post. highly sensitive one. quite a significant one too
ReplyDeleteThere's so much more to be said ! Unfortunately, logical thinking does not always work with family. Nice post nevertheless.
ReplyDeleteas dickness said..i m slso saying there is still much more could be explore on this topic.but still this is blog is making diffrence in perspective thought..well as above has been writen''dad dis is my life I have to live it and I should get to decide how i live to it''.
ReplyDeletethis is what the statment i made infront of my mom n she didn't talked to me for 4 days.by saying if this is your life why not u afford to live it on your own...:)[[And u din not writen how to deal wid such question(s) of parents]]
still many time i feel to repeat this statment infront of my dad when he stops me to wear what want to,LIKE making friends,watching moving,tv,talking on phone...all those things we adult call a life.
and ofcourse the big one choosing my own career..
but still i did not gather courage to say this to him that dad let me live my own life stop torturing on the name of love.
but they r my parents i know them very well not they only watch me i too watch them..& i know the day i shall say this to him he will definatly kick me out from the house otherwise will stop talking me.
because i have just choosen my career(law) on my own choise..$ he has stoped suporting me...:)
hey candy, thanks for writing the thoughtful comment. I understand your problem, having faced it myself. I am writing a new post to cover the points you raise. expect it today.
ReplyDelete